Being unemployed

Being unemployed is an experience that causes me some disappointment and preoccupation. The disappointment I feel is mostly coming from seeing that my application, determination and confidence in myself had come to diminish with the passing of time, considering that I have finished my high school four years ago, where the perspective that I had in the past to get a job was not met yet. Being unemployed also brings me preoccupation thinking that I could be applying my qualifications or using my abilities to have a stable income for instance working in civil engineering or other work other than what I do currently to occupy myself as I´ve been working with my father in construction works in the periods where there are more tasks to be done in the work. Within being working with my father I have become aware of certain procedures that involve my father´s work, and particularly how my father´s work had led to the accumulation of debts in the past. His business in construction works had led to the accumulation of debts some years ago, and since I had finished my high school I have been very affected and conditioned also with the consequences that took place, where for instance I became without a car or without resources available to consider some alternative other than start working with my father within helping him in his work. I have been taking this conjuncture in these past few years with a sense of guilt and sorrow because I ended up feeling some responsibility for the whole situation since I, in the past, rarely wanted to deal with my father´s business due to how I was concerned only with myself and my studies in high school as if I was with the eyes closed in relation to my father´s work/business in construction works.

So the uncertainty in terms of what direction to take has made me consider the necessity of having to help my father working and assisting him in certain tasks in order to overcome his debts. In another perspective this continued situation brings me a lot of frustration within thinking that I am compromising myself in relation to the effort that I took within finishing my graduation that can bring me better work opportunities, and even a fastest way to overcome the current lack of money in home.  

I realize how money is playing a major role in my life and how I am been affected by the lack of it. Particularly in the last months I have been building some anguish within me that I relate with this sensation of powerlessness towards how things have been improving in my life in the past few years, in terms of working and earning money that is also affecting my life in terms of social interaction and communication with others, where I hardly experience enjoyment of self expression communicating openly with others. I feel that I am not improving myself adequately in terms of these aspects of interacting with others, communicating and expressing myself and came to conclude the necessity of improving myself in these aspects, in order to make me once again take a practical direction in my current situation that can be more helpful in terms of me taking responsibility for myself and using my capacities in a more productive way.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself feeling powerlessness due to my perceived inability to get a job and sensation of lack of money;

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to become affected within experiencing guilt and sorrow from the sensation of lack of money due to my father´s current money conjuncture;

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to in certain moments start building up frustration within me perceiving myself incapable to find a way out of my perception of lack of money that I have connected with the experience of fear of survival;

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to compromise my own experience of expression and communication with others due to accepting myself to think that I have no power to change my current situation and therefore allow myself to continue to participate in the perception of lack of money where all that I can perceive is how lack of money affects me, to the point of having to fear for survival within picturing how money is difficult to obtain, and further allow myself to feel inferior comparing myself with other colleagues that have a stable work, wherein my high school graduation and skills only lead me to disappointment in getting a job due to the specific standards and experience required for this specific job career;

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to hardly allow myself to experience enjoyment expressing and communicating with others, because of being too focused on how hard my life as become due to lack of money, and consequently loosing hand of myself in the sense of improving my relationship with others;

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that I am powerless to direct myself and take control over my life and instead allow myself to continue participating within the perception of lack of money;

I forgive myself for haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize how I am losing touch with myself because of being fueling the sense of anguish / lack of money from the continued participation in guilt and sorrow, from not being able to respond to my father´s financial situation in a more helpful way, where for instance I could be using my skills and competences working as civil engineer and providing in a more helpfully way for house bills and personal expenses;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in guilt and sorrow from the idea that I have of being also responsible for my father´s debts, where I in the moments of realizing the debts my father owned, became more and more stuck in the emotion of powerlessness within realizing how conditioned my life is and how lack of money has become a reality in my life;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take for granted my father´s earnings when and during my high school when I was focused within my studies without considering how my father´s earnings in his business were not the idea I had of him having a regular clean income, but were actually more a not so wise way of working and running a business where certain situations / irresponsibility led to a financial crisis;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame / judge my father as irresponsible when thinking that our current money lack could had been preventable for a great extent, if certain measures were taken into account at the proper time, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame / judge someone, specially myself for this scenario of money lack, instead of realizing that it´s more relevant for the moment to take responsibility for myself and using my efforts to discern the best way to give a concrete direction in my life, being it helping my father, or searching for a suitable work, where I make sure that no inhibition is taking place within me coming out of fear that could make me lose opportunities that actually are available in life in terms of me placing myself more effective in my life to become able to respond with more ability to the requirements entailed in my life.  

I realize that wanting to blame / judge another and myself for certain experiences and limitations in my life, specifically concerning money lack, is in any way relevant, and even becomes a way of inhibition from being effectively connected with reality in terms of using / considering the available opportunities that come naturally in my life. Therefore I stop myself from becoming affected emotionally within sorrow and guilt and instead I direct myself to consider the opportunities of using my skills / abilities in the best effective way, connecting myself with self-responsible common-sense within the requirements entailed in my life.  

Within this I stop myself from building anguish / guilt / sorrow, due to my initially disappointment and preoccupation of being unemployed, realizing that to be in such situation is also an opportunity to face myself and start looking for real change and real participation in my life and also giving a definitive stop for the hope in something else that could save me, that sometimes one would start to think about when in a similar situation.  

Therefore, I commit myself to start building self-trust within me, realizing how opportunities become available when I consider giving the best of myself and therefore placing myself able to respond to the specific requirements of my life with total care for what is best.