I am
currently walking some compounded stress related with situations in my life for
the past months, specifically my standing point concerning being searching for
a job and integration within a professional career, my father ´s financial
difficulties and money concerns, my relation with my father / helping my
father, me wanting to meet the expectations of my parents, and also points
related with hobbies, social interactions, relationships and friends.
In the past
days I have been reading about topics concerning health and food/diet, with the
idea / curiosity of improving my general health/ diet. I have been cutting some
of my food habits although I still am searching for healthier alternatives, for
instance I cut on dairy products and reduced bread intake, and increased fruits
as for breakfast. I am now also planting some vegetables in my backyard, since
reading about health and food/diet, gave me some ideas on how to add healthier
products in my diet for the perspective of aiding my body for a better health
where some of my conditions that I see being improving are mostly related with
my skin and digestion.
I have an
elegant athletic stature, flexible and a just a bit muscular also. Being
working with my father in recent periods increased my strength mostly in my
arms and chest from having to deal with the work materials. I run in the park
sporadically and am going to yoga classes once a week, which increases my
flexibility. I am akin to yoga from the perspective of increasing flexibility
and exercising breathing, although I am still in this topic a bit unsure about
my starting point of going to yoga classes because I find myself a bit
attracted to the yoga instructor. I decided for this attraction I experience,
to take it from the point of don’t allowing it to agitate me and simply seeing
it as a sensation that I can simply breath through, when being embarrass by it,
realizing that the woman in question is attractive as herself as a way of being
and relating with others, and not from a point of me being attracted to her,
which would only denote how I place attractiveness of women in a sexualized
context.
Since I am
without job I find difficult to decide what direction to make for my life, and
end sometimes investigating topics hoping to find some direction to follow. My
main focus is nonetheless about finding a job, which has been very complicated
for me because there aren’t many available jobs where I can work. I have to
consider some alternative and most certainly have to continue being with my
father working/ aiding him. I am not working with my father as I used to in the
last months, because his work is fewer in the moment, so this makes me feel
that the money will somehow be scarce soon, due to the monthly payments that we
required to pay, where if my father’s monthly payments are not met from his profits
from work, there will be some real trouble dealing with payments. In this
scenario I have been building some fear and preoccupation that has created me a
lot of tension and stress, because of the perspective of having to be stuck to
my father´s debts as being working just to cover his payments.
For my area
of graduation in my country there aren’t many jobs available and there is a lot
of competition from unemployed professionals that have more skills than me for
the available jobs, so I realize that only with a good lot of luck can I
arrange some work position as engineer. I have been opening my mind to try other
areas although with no luck either.
I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being for so
long without a regular job within a fixed routine, giving me the idea that I am
not suitable for having a job in my area of graduation;
I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being
unemployed, thinking that this situation is due to my inadequacy and inability
to integrate myself in the standards required of a professional person;
I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I am not properly
integrated in society because I still don’t have a clear perspective of my
future as an working individual, while comparing myself with other people that
are successfully engaged in their careers;
I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am being misusing
the best years of my life without building any line of business / career;
I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compound stress and tension
by being constantly worry about how will be paid all the monthly payments of my
father, making me think of an uneasy future for the next years;
I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate tension without
allowing me to take a moment to breath and bring myself to a point where I can
get myself able to respond effectively to daily activities / works necessary,
without being in a constant preoccupied mood of interaction;
I forgive myself that I have accepted and
allowed myself to miss my breath by being continued focused in a construct idea
of having to struggle to survive and this way creating unnecessary discomfort
within me, that has the consequence of giving me difficulty to be practical and
doing things within the best logic common-sense;
I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be creating a belief about
what I should not eat and what should I avoid, while at the same time judging
others as for instance my father who eats a lot of meat and drinks a lot of
wine, giving me the sensation that sooner or later my father will have some
health problem related with his diet;
I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that due to my father
age and diet, sooner or later he will have to stop work, and therefore his
income used to pay monthly payments will become compromised;
I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I can´t move
myself towards a way out of my survival mode spiral with worries and preoccupations
as how to earn money and how to find a job that suits my aptitude;
I realize
how I am being limited in terms of money available in my life, which relates
with my father’s business and the way how his business was directed
financially. I realize that any aid I give is important to put things in the
right path, because even in such scenario there is always a way to move things
around which takes motivation and responsibility. I realize my ability to face
such conjunction in terms of doing the best I can to bring myself out of a
survival mode spiral and start directing myself and explore abilities that
could be of any use coping with such moment in my life. I have in the past for
instance become really impressed with my capability of adaptation to a heavy
work context, learning to lead my body along many days straight of tough work.
In this idea surely I can adapt to any problem with the right amount of
motivation, when nothing else more is available.
When and as
I find myself worrying about monthly payments and money lack, I breath and stop
my thoughts for a moment, allowing myself to discern the common sense direction
that I am able to do in certain moments and therefore stopping myself for a
moment of any unnecessary resistance that can divert me from being responsibly
able to met any required task.
I commit
myself to slowly stop resistances and excuses for not to move and rather adapt
myself and transform any retarded thinking process in self will and motivation
to take hand over my life committing myself self-honestly to what’s best.
Sem comentários:
Enviar um comentário