I am currently walking some compounded stress related with situations in my life for the past months, specifically my standing point concerning being searching for a job and integration within a professional career, my father ´s financial difficulties and money concerns, my relation with my father / helping my father, me wanting to meet the expectations of my parents, and also points related with hobbies, social interactions, relationships and friends.

In the past days I have been reading about topics concerning health and food/diet, with the idea / curiosity of improving my general health/ diet. I have been cutting some of my food habits although I still am searching for healthier alternatives, for instance I cut on dairy products and reduced bread intake, and increased fruits as for breakfast. I am now also planting some vegetables in my backyard, since reading about health and food/diet, gave me some ideas on how to add healthier products in my diet for the perspective of aiding my body for a better health where some of my conditions that I see being improving are mostly related with my skin and digestion.

I have an elegant athletic stature, flexible and a just a bit muscular also. Being working with my father in recent periods increased my strength mostly in my arms and chest from having to deal with the work materials. I run in the park sporadically and am going to yoga classes once a week, which increases my flexibility. I am akin to yoga from the perspective of increasing flexibility and exercising breathing, although I am still in this topic a bit unsure about my starting point of going to yoga classes because I find myself a bit attracted to the yoga instructor. I decided for this attraction I experience, to take it from the point of don’t allowing it to agitate me and simply seeing it as a sensation that I can simply breath through, when being embarrass by it, realizing that the woman in question is attractive as herself as a way of being and relating with others, and not from a point of me being attracted to her, which would only denote how I place attractiveness of women in a sexualized context.

Since I am without job I find difficult to decide what direction to make for my life, and end sometimes investigating topics hoping to find some direction to follow. My main focus is nonetheless about finding a job, which has been very complicated for me because there aren’t many available jobs where I can work. I have to consider some alternative and most certainly have to continue being with my father working/ aiding him. I am not working with my father as I used to in the last months, because his work is fewer in the moment, so this makes me feel that the money will somehow be scarce soon, due to the monthly payments that we required to pay, where if my father’s monthly payments are not met from his profits from work, there will be some real trouble dealing with payments. In this scenario I have been building some fear and preoccupation that has created me a lot of tension and stress, because of the perspective of having to be stuck to my father´s debts as being working just to cover his payments.

For my area of graduation in my country there aren’t many jobs available and there is a lot of competition from unemployed professionals that have more skills than me for the available jobs, so I realize that only with a good lot of luck can I arrange some work position as engineer. I have been opening my mind to try other areas although with no luck either.     

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being for so long without a regular job within a fixed routine, giving me the idea that I am not suitable for having a job in my area of graduation;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being unemployed, thinking that this situation is due to my inadequacy and inability to integrate myself in the standards required of a professional person;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I am not properly integrated in society because I still don’t have a clear perspective of my future as an working individual, while comparing myself with other people that are successfully engaged in their careers;   

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am being misusing the best years of my life without building any line of business / career;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compound stress and tension by being constantly worry about how will be paid all the monthly payments of my father, making me think of an uneasy future for the next years;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate tension without allowing me to take a moment to breath and bring myself to a point where I can get myself able to respond effectively to daily activities / works necessary, without being in a constant preoccupied mood of interaction;

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss my breath by being continued focused in a construct idea of having to struggle to survive and this way creating unnecessary discomfort within me, that has the consequence of giving me difficulty to be practical and doing things within the best logic common-sense;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be creating a belief about what I should not eat and what should I avoid, while at the same time judging others as for instance my father who eats a lot of meat and drinks a lot of wine, giving me the sensation that sooner or later my father will have some health problem related with his diet;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that due to my father age and diet, sooner or later he will have to stop work, and therefore his income used to pay monthly payments will become compromised;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I can´t move myself towards a way out of my survival mode spiral with worries and preoccupations as how to earn money and how to find a job that suits my aptitude;

I realize how I am being limited in terms of money available in my life, which relates with my father’s business and the way how his business was directed financially. I realize that any aid I give is important to put things in the right path, because even in such scenario there is always a way to move things around which takes motivation and responsibility. I realize my ability to face such conjunction in terms of doing the best I can to bring myself out of a survival mode spiral and start directing myself and explore abilities that could be of any use coping with such moment in my life. I have in the past for instance become really impressed with my capability of adaptation to a heavy work context, learning to lead my body along many days straight of tough work. In this idea surely I can adapt to any problem with the right amount of motivation, when nothing else more is available.

When and as I find myself worrying about monthly payments and money lack, I breath and stop my thoughts for a moment, allowing myself to discern the common sense direction that I am able to do in certain moments and therefore stopping myself for a moment of any unnecessary resistance that can divert me from being responsibly able to met any required task.

I commit myself to slowly stop resistances and excuses for not to move and rather adapt myself and transform any retarded thinking process in self will and motivation to take hand over my life committing myself self-honestly to what’s best.